Letting Go!

Slowly I am getting over the devastation. I really feel like it is much like the grieving process. Anyway, I think I am getting to the acceptance part, and of course some days are better than others. I still have three frosties so that will be something that will happen later down the road after my body recovers from all of the drugs. I am trying very hard not to be so focused on myself, and I think that has helped a lot. When I am feeling down, I pray that God will help me through my feelings, and then I think of someone else that I need to pray for. I really believe that Satan uses self pity as a tool to destroy us and our relationship with God. No more self pity for me! (at least not for the next five minutes) Hopefully when those thoughts come I will remember that only God can help me with my thoughts and feelings!

Negative

It is negative again. I feel numb right now. It seems like I would get used to this but my hopes always soar and then crash again. For some reason this is not happening for me.

Final Count Down

My frozen transfer is scheduled for Monday. I am very nervous! I have been so excited this whole time, and I felt like time was dragging by. Now that I am getting so close I am just scared. In thinking about my emotions, I think I feel like this is my last chance and I am so nervous that it will not happen for us. Plus then when you get hopped up on all these drugs, I think it confuses a lot of emotions. If you think about it, please pray for me that I will have peace that it is all in God's hands and no matter what happens that it is His perfect will for our lives.

Time to try again!

I have not posted in a long time because I was just so heart broken over the results, and it seems like I don't even know what else to say. There was nothing significant in my blood work, so things still remain a mystery. There were some antibodies though, so my RE is going to try steroids this time.

Tomorrow is actually day one of my FET cycle. I will be having the transfer on the Monday of Thanksgiving week. At first my thought was that I really hope I have something to be Thankful for. Then I realized that was ridiculous. I have so much to be Thankful for, and no matter what, I will be Thankful. No matter what, I have a God that loves me, and He is preparing a place for me. I also know that all of three lost babies are in Heaven waiting for me as well.

Long Time

After the long wait, I had a very low HCG level, so I had to wait longer. Then I was told that I had a chemical pregnancy. It has been very discouraging to go through all that and still not be pregnant. I am however thanful for five frozen embroyos so I don't have to start for the beginning again.

Two weeks ago I met with my RE. He did quite a bit of blood work to see if I have a blod clotting problem. I am hopeful he will be able to figure out a reason why this did not work. If not, I will just continue to have "unexplained infertility".

Waiting not so very patiently!

I am 7 days past a 5 day transfer, and it is driving me crazy. It is such torture to have to wait. I am going crazy if every little thing that happens is a good sign or a bad sign. Then this morning when I was driving to work the guy on the radio said his favorite verse was Jeremiah 29:11. I was so happy to hear it again as a reminder. I still have hope and a future no matter what happens over the next few days.

Nervous!

I am officially doing all my shots as of yesterday. I am so nervous that I am going to do something wrong, and it will make something not work correctly. None of the shot are painful, so I am happy about that!

Shots!

On Saturday I started the Lupron. At first it was fine but the last couple of days I get very irritated at the injection site. I have another appointment on Sunday. It just seems like all I do is wait! I guess if nothing else positive happens, I will learn patience!

Moving Down the Check List

One week down with the bcp. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the RE, and then we have all of our meetings with the different departments on Friday. We are getting closer every day!

A New Jouney

This week I will be starting bcp in order to start my IVF cycle. It is very exciting and scary at the same time. I am excited about being pregnant and scared about how low I would be if this does not work after everything we have been through up to this point. I am also nervous because I don't know what to expect since this is all new to me.

After meeting with the RE three weeks ago, we know that our only option left is IVF. Although I never thought it would come to this, I am happy that I have that option left. If I were out of options, I think that would be very hard for me at this point.

I am now waiting for my cycle to start so I can start bcp. It is strange to me because I never thought I would ever take those again! I find that very few people are very understanding about our situation. I hear, well you should be thankful you have one or with the world's population why do you need any more children. Well, the bottom line is that it is a dream that has not been realized. It is also hard when my son asks me why we can't have a baby like so many people we know.

Right now I am very hurt because of the people that have been not only not supportive but down right mean. I am thankful that I serve a faithful God that is always with me because without him I am sure that I would have lost my mind by now.

I deceided to start blogging because I think that it will be a good stress release for me to write down my feelings because I know that at times it is hard for me to communicate them.

Well, that is it for now. More to come as I go through this cycle!!