Cancelled!

The transfer has been cancelled. I keep having a problem with my lining getting too thick. Apparently that is the opposite problem that most people have. It was very thick last time, and he deceided that could have been part of the reason that it did not work. He did not want to take that chance again. I am now playing the waiting game again. I will wait for my period to start and then try again. It is a downer since I thought I was only three days from my transfer!

Thankful!

Church has been such a good thing for me. I think I would be really going crazy if it was not for the continual grounding I get there. Pastor was talking last night about putting ourself on the altar of sacrifice and not holding anything back from God. I realized that I need to give my desire to have a baby to God. He will heal the hurt if it is not His will for us to have another child. I continually pray that it will happen for us, and He knows my heart. But I realize that His ways are not my ways. Only time will tell what His will for my life is.

Anxiety!

I am on all the drugs for my FET at the end of the month. It is a rollar coaster of emotions, and I feel a lot of anxiety. My mind is on so many things that when I went to the gas station today I drove away with the pump in my car. What an idiot! I was so embarassed! Anxiously I am waiting the day of the transfer but I am scared to death to hear it is negative again.

Moving Forward

We are on track for a FET at the end of March. I am glad to have a goal but the medicine makes me a little crazy. I just keep having feelings of frustration about everything. I think I need to go lay on the beach somewhere until the end of March! Sometimes I feel like I just can't handle it anymore.

Pain!

I contacted the Dr. about a FET in March. We are now moving toward that. However, I also found out that I have to do another hysteroscopy. I think those are the worse form of torture! I just think I don't know if I can do that again. Then I think well I want to maximize my chances. Then I think well God is in control anyway. UGH! I am so frustrated right now because to date I have done two of them, and both cycles failed. Part of me thinks is it worth putting myself through that again? I don't know what to do! It seems like I have been in a perputual state of "I don't know what to do" since I started this whole process. I wish I had a map or an instruction manuel here.

Thankful???

One time I read this blog, and the person was talking about how she is thankful for her infertility. This was taken from Paul when he said no matter what your situation is, you need to be content. (That was my paraphrase) Anyway, when I read that, I thought I don't think that this is something that I am actually capable of being thankful for. It is hard, and it is sad.

Then a couple of Sundays ago our pastor was talking about how when Anne Frank and her sister went to a Nazi concentration camp for hiding Jews, her sister said that she was thankful for the fleas in the place where they slept. Only later did she find out that the reason that they were able to have secret Bible studies with a Bible that was smuggled in was because the guards would not go in that paticular building because of the fleas. It is amazing how God works sometimes.

So, I have come to the conclusion that I am thankful for my infertility. However, I took it one step further, and thought about the reasons why.

1. I serve an AWESOME God. His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts.
My relationship with Him would not be as strong as it is if I did not go through what I went
through.
2. I will never ever take my son for granted and what a blessing it is to have such a precious
boy.
3. My husband is a wonderful man, and I would never have known just how wonderful he is if I
had not gone through this.
4. Just because there is one thing in my life that makes me sad, I still have so much to be
thankful for.
5. I know who my true friends are and who will be there for me no matter what.

6. My mom is an unbelievable person.

7. I am now a much stronger and grounded person because of the trials, and I know that I don't
have to give birth to a child to be a mother to that child.

I could not have said this 1 year ago or even six months ago but yes I am thankful for the infertility.

Where do I fit in?

Lately I have been feeling caught between two worlds. It seems like everyone around me is having a second, third, or even fourth child. I don't fit in with these women because they talk about how this child is different from number whatever, and talk about how many children they want to have. I wish I had the option to deceide that for myself! Then it is also frustrating because two of the women are not really happy to be pregnant. I have a hard time understanding that one at all, and it is very frustrating for me to hear it.

Then on the other hand, there are all the women that are going through infertility treatments and IVF. They don't have much sympathy for me since I already have one child. I am still devastated every single month. I still feel hurt when someone has a pregnancy announcement, and I still went through two failed IVF cycles.

So, my question is where do I fit in? I understand so many feelings of the other women going through this process but it does not seem like my feelings matter as much because I have a child. Sometimes it is just really frustrating. I feel very alone in the process, and I am thankful when my heart is broken I can cry out to God.